A letter to my 3 year old

     A letter to my three year old. The very first and only thing I really need you to know is how very much you are loved. Your mommy and daddy prayed for you for a long time before we knew you were on your way. When you had only been in Mama's belly for 7 weeks we thought we were going to lose you and never meet your sweet self, but we were so blessed and that was not the case. We knew then how very important you are to our little family. 

     Little son, you are kind. You care when others are sad, you know when to slow your busy body down and show kindness to those who are hurting. You have become a brother this year and you already show so much compassion and love to your baby sister. She loves you. 

     Sweet boy, you are smart. I watch you every day as your little mind works to figure things out. To learn how things work, how the wheels turn, how the words are pronounced. Each day you surprise me with a new thing you can do. You are aware of things around you and notice tiny details our adult eyes scan over quickly and don't see. You are a problem solver. 

     Handsome child, you are a teacher. You made me a Mama and your dad a Daddy and you teach us every day to be more patient, to slow down, to laugh, to be better teachers so we can in turn teach you how to live this life. You show your sister the wonders of this world and enjoy sharing it with her. 

     Tiny buddy, you are a child not only to us, but to your father in heaven. You have learned how to pray. You love church and nursery and the way you feel there. I catch you in the backseat repeating the words you can remember from the sacrament prayer and singing how you love to see the temple. Remember who you are. Remember you have heavenly love and heavenly help always. 

      Happy Birthday my son. My buddy. My goofy. My happy. My crazy. My stressful. My blessing. My first born. You will always be my baby no matter how many years pass. You are mine, and you are your Daddy's. Keep being the firecracker you are and continue to be the force for good in this world. We love you baby. 

Needs

I've just been thinking lately, being a mom to two kids is hard. I know what you're going to say, "Try having 3! or 4!" I'm sure that is true, but right now I have two, and it's a struggle. The other day Roseleigh started crying, ready to be fed. As I was getting ready to nurse her Denver started crying for snuggles. As you may know, Denver is one of the least snuggly kids I know. He just can't sit still that long. My first thought was to just brush him off because he's bigger and he needs to understand Rosie needs me. I can't let her be hungry, and if I leave her crying in her swing she won't understand why I have left her in such a state. But then I looked in to my crazy haired, goofy, fun loving kids eyes and saw need. I'd been brushing him off for weeks I'm sure, trying to figure out this mothering two thing, and wondering how I would handle it, that he had been playing on the floor and watching endless TV trying to figure out how he could handle it. This boy, this tiny child who I love so dearly was reaching out to me in his very last resort for attention. "Snuggles, Mommy." With one arm holding a nursing baby, I reached out with my other and tucked him into me as close as possible. His crazy hair brushed against my face, and his breathing settled into a rhythm as he watched yet another episode of Paw Patrol. I have spent hours snuggling this child, from carrying him in my belly, to nursing, through every sickness, comforting him from scraped knees and bonked heads. He is my first baby whom I have slaved over, given everything and then some. I feel terrible letting him fade into the background as he is overshadowed by this new tiny presence who has constant physical needs. I feel like I am always nagging at him from the couch while nursing to "get out of the pantry," and "stop climbing the cabinets" and "for the love of all that is holy, get out of the pantry!" And then, just as I think I can't handle it anymore, he changes. He grows up a little more. He listens better, he picks up his toys, he doesn't throw any tantrums, he sweetly sings "I love to see the temple" intermittently with "Wheels on the bus go round and round.....and round and round and round and round....." His vocabulary bursts and he talks instead of whines and tells me "That's amazing!" and "Christmas? Santa? Trains? HOORAY!" Then as I see this I get sad. I look at Rosie and how tiny she is and remember that he was once that tiny. Time is such a terrible thing. I so often wish for him to be just a bit older so he will maybe be just a bit better behaved or get better at communicating or listening. I just need to remember that he is still little too. He needs snuggles. He needs me to sing Wheels on the Bus for the umpteenth time. He needs me to listen to him just as much as I need him to listen to me. These children will forever teach me more than anyone else ever could. What tiny, exhausting, beautiful, terrible, wonderful, little miraculous blessings they are. And that is something that I need to remember.

Roseleigh Grace

     On October 6 at 9:58 PM we welcomed our sweet little girl into the world. She weighed 8 lbs 4 oz and was 20 inches long. This is her birth story for our remembrance and to share with others. I apologize if anything is TMI, but this is your warning if so. 
     Rosie wasn't due until October 11th. Denver was 4 days overdue and we had to induce him to get him to come then so I wasn't planning on her being a minute early to this party. I had low appetite and kind of upset stomach for several days prior. The night before she was born I had hardly eaten anything and Erik went to the store and bought me a frozen pizza because that's all that sounded even remotely edible. The morning of the 6th, about 3 in the morning I got up and took a shower because I was sore, achy, and had horrible stomach cramps (not contractions) and couldn't sleep. By 4 in the morning I was having diarrhea and throwing up. I continued to feel crappy (literally) until we got up for the morning. I debated calling my doctor about 7 in the morning but they didn't open until 8:30. Erik needed to go to work, but we finally decided to just get in the car and go to labor and delivery to have someone there check on me and make sure everything was fine. 
     Side note: A week earlier at my 38 week appointment Roseleigh's heart rate was higher than they wanted so they sent me to L and D to have a non-stress test to make sure she was alright. After 2 hours there they decided she was just fine. Because of this experience though, I was concerned that the stress of me being sick/throwing up would be problematic if she DID have some stress and high heart rate to begin with, hence the reason we decided it would be best to go in to the hospital to be checked.
     Erik quickly packed up a bag for us just in case (I hadn't even started packing for us, luckily Denver was mostly packed and I had the diaper bag packed with the things I wanted for the baby.) He threw in some clothes for Denver, called Grandma (who was already planning on coming for Denver that day) to tell her to meet us at the hospital instead and hopped in the car. While leaning over a bowl to keep from puking in the car Erik carefully, but quickly drove us to Jordan Valley Hospital. When we arrived, they checked me in to a room and started monitoring me. Grandma arrived soon after and Denver got to go on his way. This was the last time I would see him as my only child.
     They checked my cervix (I was only at a 2) and blood pressure. They put a monitor on my belly to track Roseleigh's heart and my contractions. They gave me ice chips and popcicles to settle my stomach and try to rehydrate me. I started feeling slightly better, but was still struggling. My stomach was still cramping and I was still going to the bathroom frequently. By 11:00 they decided to check my cervix again to check for more dialation to see if I was actually in labor and I was at a 3! This meant that they could officially check me in and consider me in labor. I begged for a little bit of solid food (I got 3 packages of saltines) and that was all I got to eat to get through labor even though I had nothing in my stomach. They put in my IV, gave me antibiotics for my group B strep, and waited. 
     The afternoon was long and hard. I got a fever, threw up some more, shivered under nothing but a sheet (they were trying to cool me down to get rid of the fever, but a I was SO cold.) The bed was uncomfortable and I was achy like when you have the flu and super pregnant so sleep was all but impossible. Finally around 5 my doctor arrived to break my water. When they did this they discovered meconium in my water so they planned to have a pediatric team on hand to clear out her mouth before she cried and got it in her lungs. My fever finally broke and within a half hour of breaking my water we had the anesthesiologist in to give me my epidural. Just as a reminder, my epidural with Denver was horrible, it was great for about an hour and was completely gone by the time I pushed him out. This epidural was less fun to get in (electric shocks down my legs) but it worked so wonderfully. This did slow my progression a bit however, so by about 7:30 I agreed to let them give me some pitocin. An hour later I was in pain and was asking for more epidural. I felt extreme pressure quite low and felt fairly confident I was fully dilated. They finally agreed to check me and sure enough, I was ready to push. Soon after, the anesthesiologist arrived to give me more medicine since I was in pain and he numbed me up good one more time before I actually needed to push. 
     When I had Denver I pushed for SIX hours, largely unmedicated. I started pushing and the nurse said to an other nurse that we might be pushing for a little while. My first thought was "oh heck no" so the next couple of pushes I did everything I could to get her out. They quickly called in the doctor and a few pushes later she was out! It was such a different experience. It wasn't painful, it didn't include me screaming at my doctor. We chatted between contractions and laughed as the doctor gave Roseleigh a little mohawk mid-delivery while we waited for another contraction. It ended up being about a half hour total of pushing. Piece of cake.
     They warned us that because of the meconium they weren't going to try to make her cry immediately so they could clean her out before she sucked it in. Erik cut the cord and they quickly took her over to be taken care of. Erik went with her and they cleaned her up, sucked out the gunk and she finally let out a little girly cry. It was absolutely beautiful. At that point I thought they would give her to me, but they went on to measure and weigh her and all I wanted to do was to put her on my chest and hold her. My doctor could sense my anxiety I think and asked if I wanted to do skin to skin. I told her yes and she hurried them up to bring me my naked little babe to snuggle. She looked so much like Denver, but was also so different, but I loved her the same. You always wonder how you will love another baby like your first, but it is so very possible. Your heart just grows to make room for each tiny little human you have. She was so good and nursed right away like a champ. I gave her over to Erik and he got to love on her and take her to the nursery for all of the rest of her checks and shots. Meanwhile, I lugged my half numb body onto a new bed to go to our new room and finally got to eat a sandwich. 
     How very lucky we are to have her. Our little family feels so perfect with her. She is such a sweet little girl with a wonderful disposition. She likes to snuggle but can also be content in her swing and sleeps well in her own bed. (most of the time.) Things worked out so perfectly with her delivery and I am so grateful she arrived safely and is a happy, thriving little baby. We feel truly blessed. 

Ode to Oregon

It has been a LONG time since I have been on the blog. However, I feel like as we are moving on with our lives I have some things to say that would take up too much on Facebook or anywhere else.
     There is definitely a bittersweet vibe in our lives right now. Five years ago we set out on this journey to put Erik through his PhD program at OSU. When we left, it was just the two of us, fairly newly married and inexperience in living away from family and friends. I remember leaving my parent's driveway in tears, but excited to start our new adventure. After a harrowing 17 hour journey in a moving truck we made it to our apartment in Oregon. Our first year was pretty enjoyable. We spent a lot of time together, exploring Oregon, and settling into new jobs and new school, however new friends were hard to come by. After a year, our landlords chose to raise rent and we chose to move across the street, landing us in a new neighborhood and new ward. I can't express what a blessing that ended up being to us. Within a few months we had met some seriously wonderful friends that I can't see us ever losing touch with. These friends became our family very quickly. The James' moved in next door practically and we lived at each other's houses for a couple of years. The Butlers just down the road invited us into their family and home (which we have a key to) and have helped us and cared for us in ways we can't express. Many other sweet families reached out to us and welcomed us with open arms. We not only gained friends here, but people we truly consider our family. I was also blessed to work in two different salons with so many incredible people who taught me new things, and shared their skills and talents with me. They also helped me to work through my entire pregnancy and were flexible with my abilities.
     After a year of stress, trouble, and sadness, all buffered by our amazing friends, we were finally able to conceive a sweet little boy who has turned our whole lives around. Denver is our little Oregon baby with Oregon blueberry eyes that will make us forever treasure our time in Oregon. We became parents here, this tiny apartment is where we brought our baby home. He learned to crawl, walk, and climb here. His infectious energy keeps us going on days we don't think we can make it through.
     Erik's school has been an incredible challenge of highs and lows. He has seen successes and struggled with experiments gone wrong. He has worked as a TA and mentored countless undergraduates while working on his own classes, lab work, and responsibilities at home. He has always been there for Denver and I when we needed him, even at the cost of his own luxuries and happiness. He made sure we had income and health insurance, and even agreed to work extra hard so I could stay home after Denver was born. He has worked with me to keep us out of debt, to pay off our vehicle, and save up for a home. I have been so blessed to have him as my husband through all of our ups and downs, he is my rock.
     Our opportunity to move back to Utah has come much quicker than we had anticipated, and in this whirlwind of it all, we still seem to hit green lights along the way. Things just keep working out for us in ways we didn't know how they would. It makes me more confident in our decision that going back to Utah is right for us. We swore for a long time that Utah was not the place for us, but after Denver was born, we came home after a particularly exhausting trip to Utah and we didn't feel like we had come home. We felt out of place in Oregon for the first time in 3 years. Since then our goal has been to go back and share our child with our families and be around those we love. Who knew we would also find people we loved here in Oregon? Like I said, the bittersweet vibe is alive and well at the moment. I know we will never regret our time here, and it will always hold a special place in our hearts.
     We also discovered a few weeks back, that we would be returning to Utah, not as a family of 3, but of 4. Our new little addition is due in October. We have so much ahead of us, and so many wonderful memories we are leaving behind. What a journey these last 5 years have been, I can only be excited and find joy in the potential of the next 5 years together. I love my little family and feel so very blessed and appreciate all our Oregon friends have done for us. What a truly amazing experience we got to share with some truly amazing people. Thank you Oregon, we will miss you!

Denver's First Birthday and Mother's Day

Denver is all about his Winnie the Pooh so we decided that was what he needed for his birthday. I decided birthday cakes are a lot more stressful than I remembered! Pedro spoke too lightly about "I'll build her a cake or something..." It's no walk in the park! After a kitchen full of cake and frosting, a slanting stack of cake and a little bit of luck, we kept it standing until his party. I think next time I'll get one at Costco...

Birthday balloons, breakfast, and Daniel Tiger.

Cute Birthday outfit from his Aunt Jessame. (Which he may or may not have pooped through five minutes before going to church.)

His cake, cupcakes for the guests, and a Winnie the Pooh quote that says "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." I must say, this tiny man has taken up so much room in in our hearts, he has given us so much joy and love.

Birthday dinner spread. We had Winnie the Pooh's honey ham sandwiches, Piglet's Pink Punch, Pretzel sticks from Eeyore's house, Veggies from Rabbit's garden, Roo's Rainbow fruit kabobs, and Chocolate dipped and striped pretzel rod Tigger tails.

Denver going around stealing bites of food from everyone before I set him up with his own food. How do you say no to the birthday boy?

 Singing Happy Birthday.

Ready to dig in!

Happy cake face.

Cinco de Mayo quesadilla at Taco Bell.

Mother's Day Flowers from my hubby and baby. I love having flowers outside.

Mother's day breakfast

Denver getting into mischief...again. This is safe, right mom?

We went to the nursery to try to distract Denver during church and found the bubble machine. He thought it was pretty great. Sorry they are all blurry, he wouldn't stop moving!

I forgot to mention at his 1 year old check up he weighed in at 24 lbs 1 oz and measure 30.75 inches long. That puts him at 3 times as heavy as when he was born and he grew almost 10 inches!

Crawling to Walking/Utah trip/11 months old!/Easter

First we have some pictures from around the house. Denver has been a little explorer who wants to see and try everything new.

Yogurt. Remember to lick the lid!

Reading a book. 

Playing guitar with Dad. He has a pick in his hand, I'm pretty sure that was right before I snatched it from him as he was about to stuff it in his mouth!

Book and Mom's water. Put them together and he's learning to multi-task!

I made one of our drawers in the kitchen be strictly Denver appropriate activities so he can be in the kitchen with me and not be attempting to get in the trash the whole time!

Happy St. Patrick's Day! 

Playing at the park! The light this night was so beautiful, he just looks like such a pretty baby.

Not sure how he feels about the grass.

I towel dried his hair one night and this is what happened. I think it's about time for a haircut!

First Spaghetti night

He always crosses his ankles while he eats. Even when he was tiny, I would be nursing him and his little ankles would be crossed.

He wouldn't hold still long enough for a non-blurry picture, but I think he enjoyed himself.

Box tunnel! Who needs toys when you have boxes and bubble wrap!

I need to eat every last drop!

Utah Trip

Erik had to go to a conference in Louisiana over spring break, so Denver and I flew to Utah for some fun at Grandma's!

Snuggling with my sister Dani. He never snuggles like this! I guess it was a hard morning of traveling!

After lunch at Cafe Rio we headed over to see Grandma and Pa Nielson in Pleasant Grove. It was a beautiful day!

Sorry about the weird light from the window. Playing with Grandma.

Back home in Logan, rub a dub dub 3 kids in the tub!

Cousin lunch time! These two are almost exactly a year apart (just a couple of weeks difference) They liked eating and watching cartoons and playing together. Chasing Cache around really made him start walking while we were there.

Two boys on Grandpa's lap.

After nap snuggles with his Great Grandma (my mom's mom) 

Heading back on the airplane. Luckily on the way home we had an extra seat blocked out for him so we had a lot more room to wiggle and play.

After we touched back down in Oregon.

This little love slept for half of the flight home for me. 

Back at home with Dad (who missed his baby terribly) we splurged on the merry go round at the mall which was so worth it for these pictures! He had a blast!

First Easter Basket. Last year we bought him a toy dump truck hoping it would be incentive for him to come into this world a little early, but the bribe did not work, so this is his official first Easter.

11 months old! I don't know how it happened, I think it was when I put him in shorts and a t-shirt with his hair all done up that he now looks like a kid, not just a baby. So big!

Pooh bear is always a good smile incentive.

Easter Dinner

Apparently we wore him out on his first Easter. During prayers he snuggled up on my belly and fell asleep. 

Happy boy